It takes a true turkey to get the wrong turkey

Posted by TheYank at 11/26/2009 4:53 AM EST

What I'm about to say is such a cliche that I'm reluctant to even tell this story, but here goes.

There are times when I amaze even myself with my ability to accomplish things that probably are beyond most people's imagination. Or at least most women's.

Remember yesterday how I mentioned that I was going to collect the Thanksgiving turkey we'd ordered? Remember?

Pretty straight-forward, right? Drive to store, give my name, receive turkey from butcher and pay. What could be easier?

I drove to the store all right and then my innate talents took over. My actions were so swift, so graceful that even now I'm dazzled by them. The way I was able to so deftly and so quickly snatch defeat from the jaws of a certain and easy victory... Let's just say not many could've managed it.

The trouble started when the butcher handed the turkey to me. It looked huge. We'd ordered a 14-15lb turkey, but this one just looked massive. So, I checked,

"This is a 15lb turkey?"
"Oh, yes, is there a problem?"
"It seems awfully big."
"I might be able to get you a smaller one, about 12lbs."
"That would be great."

Five minutes later he came out with a turkey that he said was 12lbs. It looked a lot smaller, which only convinced me that the other one was just too big. I didn't look too closely, just said thank you, took the turkey, paid and left. I was feeling great the whole way home.

As soon as I walked in the door and my wife said, "That looks awfully small." "It's a 12lb turkey." "It's too small."

Not feeling so great now, but an hour later I finally decided to look at the turkey and the packaging and what did I see? Well, the turkey comes from the Smiths' farm in Newbliss, Co. Monaghan. That's nice and reassuring. But then I saw it. I smoothed out the plastic wrap and there was the weight, clearly marked: 4KG.

I would love to be able to fall back on all sorts of claims of ignorance, such as I'm not used to the metric system (sort of true, I still think in pounds & ounces) or I didn't know the conversion (I did and I do - 2.2lbs to every kg) or I couldn't do the calculation in my head (4 times 2.2 - ehh, I don't see how I can even try that one). So, now we have an 8lb 13oz turkey instead of the 14lbs we were supposed to have.

We'll still have enough for dinner, but my weekend of turkey dining is out and I have only one person to blame. As does everyone else in my family.